Breathing in the memory of my baby

Today I came across this bag. This bag has Killian’s clothes and blankets in it. The ones that I was supposed to wash the day he died. I put my face in those clothes and I breathe deep. And I smell him. And it brings me most happiness and the deepest pain all at the …

The Day my Baby Died

I’ve thought long and hard about sharing this picture. It was taken in the final moments of Mr. Bean’s life. He had just been unplugged from all of his machines, his IV’s and tubes removed, and he was placed in our arms. There were probably 30 doctors and nurses standing around his bed. The PACT …

Six weeks since my baby died

Today marks six weeks. Six weeks since Killian died. As of tomorrow, he will have been gone longer than he was here. It’s surreal. It’s raw. It opens up some of those deep wounds that had begun to start to heal. I have missed my baby longer than I didn’t. I’ve look at his pictures …

Guilt after the death of a child

Guilt is such a powerful emotion. It can literally consume you if you let it. It will sneak up and make your stomach turn to ice. That anxious, creeping feeling makes it’s way up from your belly, through the shoulders, into your throat, and then into your head. It can literally make my lips tingle …

The club no one wants to be apart of

This evening I was putting my youngest down for bed. Since I’ve been home from Toronto, he’s needed me to rock him to sleep again. Being only 2 years old, all he knew is that I was suddenly gone. And now I’m home, so he’s clinging to me like a life preserver. As I was …