Dear Killian. Hi my sweet baby. I feel you around me so much. I feel your presence. I feel your sweet little spirit in so much that I do. You are my fox, my guide. You’ve taken my compass of life and completely spun it. Like a magnetic field. It’s still spinning and I’m not really … Continue reading To Killian, Love Mom
It’s 130 am. I can’t sleep. Every time I close my eyes, that last hour keeps replaying. Over and over. Like a song on the radio that you just can’t stand to hear one more time. I want to change the channel, because I’m tired. Physically, mentally and emotionally tired. But I can’t. There’s no … Continue reading That last hour
They say time heals all wounds...I don’t know who “they” are, but they got it wrong. Time does not heal all. Just like all the heart warriors battling this beast, we as parents have deep and angry scars. To say we will heal is a flat out lie. We’ll patch and bandage and medicate, but … Continue reading The never ending tide of Grief
Today I came across this bag. This bag has Killian’s clothes and blankets in it. The ones that I was supposed to wash the day he died. I put my face in those clothes and I breathe deep. And I smell him. And it brings me most happiness and the deepest pain all at the … Continue reading Breathing in the memory of my baby
You know what I just did? I got into a bath, with a bag of chip and cold beer. At 1 o’clock in the afternoon. I looked at pictures of my baby boy who I was supposed to outlive and I cried. And now I write, because writing has become a huge ally in this … Continue reading Giving permission for SelfCare
The Mortal Fox 